in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
