I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
