Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
