every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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