You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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