I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
