he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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