tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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