I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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