i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
