I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
