Don't make out with my wife yet
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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