made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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