I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Can I color on your dick again?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
