I hope mine doesn't look like that
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
