I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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