Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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