All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My Higher Power is John Stamos
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize