I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
