chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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