I got chris browned last night
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
