we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
