He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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