I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
COCAINE IS GR8
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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