my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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