I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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