A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
