one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
