Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
