no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
