Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
