Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
