you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
