Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
