there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The power of my boobs compel you
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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