i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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