i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
