Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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