Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
