come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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