he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
