Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
