my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
