My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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