she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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