I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
