Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm passing your future prison.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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