I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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