I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I AM VODKA MAN
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
