My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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