I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
