all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
i think my cat just said my name.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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