Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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