I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
