That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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