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I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
