My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
