I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
