Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
