is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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