You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
