I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
