Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
