I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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