wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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