Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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