Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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